Fool's Desire Page 9

  "Oh, Daisy, what happened to you?" Jake whispered in her ear, his voice oddly tormented.

  Desirae laughed humourlessly. "Life happened, Jake. I was a foolish, naïve little girl, and life turned around and bitch slapped me in the face. It was bound to happen, sooner or later."

  "Damn it, Daisy!"

  "Please, Jake, don't call me that. I'm not that girl anymore, and I can't take the constant reminders of my stupidity. My name is Desirae now."

  "You were never stupid," Jake huffed. "You were sweet and kind and cheerful, like a breath of pure, clean air. It made me happy just to be around you. And not just me, either. You're not really this hard, detached bitch that you've made yourself into. I don't believe you could have changed the very core of your being. I think Daisy is still in there somewhere."

  Desirae was shocked at the accuracy of Jake's statement. No one in the world knew that the core of Daisy lived deep inside her, occasionally pushing at the walls and trying to get out.

  "I can't be Daisy again!" she gasped with an edge of panic in her voice, forgetting to shield her response. "I can't open myself to that level of pain anymore. It would destroy me."

  She couldn't stop the tremor that the very idea brought from trembling through her entire being or the goose bumps that raised on her arms, so she raised her hands and, instead, tried to rub them away.

  "Well, you can't continue like this, either!" Jake declared. "Look at you! You've cut yourself off from the world, from all the good things it can hold. From even the most basic relationships, and it's slowly killing you."

  Jake tightened his hold and squeezed. "You can't sustain this level of detachment. It's not healthy. I know you, sweetheart. You try and continue living your life this way, then you're going to burn yourself out, and that really would be a travesty."

  Jake kissed her temple. "Maybe you can't be Daisy again. I guess you're right and too much has happened to be able to recapture all that innocence and simplicity. I understand that you don't want to be gullible or vulnerable again, but there must be some kind of happy medium, and I feel like I owe it to you to help you find that person.

  Jake turned her around to face him and smiled his trademark cheeky smile.

  "I'm going to start by calling you Desi, and I'm going to help you discover who Desi is," he announced.

  Desirae just looked at him with a mixture of hope and bewilderment and more than a little fear. Could she realise this vision Jake had of her? Could she really let little pieces of Daisy free and start living a more fulfilling life? God knows she wanted to; she'd just never known how to do it. Was it possible for Jake to show her the way? And, why would he? In fact, that was a bloody good question!

  "Why would you do all this, Jake?" She had to know.

  "I need to, Desi," Jake grasped her hands in his own and squeezed. "I have to make amends for what took place that night. I'll be honest and tell you that some of that need stems from my own selfish desire to lessen the guilt I feel about what happened."

  Desirae shook her head, a frown crinkling her brow. "I don't understand," she replied. "None of it was your fault!"

  "It was all of our faults, Desi. Eric had taken to running off his mouth all the time but especially where you were concerned. I think he was just jealous or something, but we had all taken to ignoring him, when we should have just put him straight." Jake looked unusually sad. "I'll always regret that you witnessed that scene and saw that none of us defended you. Especially now that I see first-hand the effects it had."

  Desirae swallowed back a fresh bout of tears and bit her lip to stop it from quivering as Jake continued.

  "I should have stopped you from leaving or come after you straight away. You were one of my closest friends. It was the very least I should have done. The rest of the story is not really mine to tell, but I need you to know, that not everything was as it seemed that night and I'm asking you—begging you—to hear Joel out; let him tell his side of the story. For all of our sakes. What happened that night impacted us all, Desi, and, even a decade on, we each need to put it behind us."

  Desirae contemplated Jake's words. Should she do this? Surely, she owed it to herself to simply try? There were so many desires she had repressed over the years. She wanted to have friendships, relationships, even children. None of those were remotely possible for the woman she'd become, for Desirae. But maybe with a little help, she could learn to lower some of the barriers, just a little bit, just enough to let some life in. She had been so happy once, taking pleasure in the simple things, a view, a sunset, a butterfly, the feel of silk against her skin, the sensuality of a kiss, the joy of friendship. She had lost all of that when she had bandaged herself up tight to stop herself from falling apart. She had become blinkered, focusing only on business and on not letting anyone close enough to endanger her healing. The trouble was that, somewhere along the line, she had forgotten to remove the bindings, and now they were constricting her. She'd remained isolated and had forgotten to actually live the life she'd so fiercely protected. She was stronger now. She had survived. She was no longer so naïve and accepting and thin skinned. And she was so very tired of being alone and lonely, of living in the shadows, when, if she was just daring enough, she could take a few short steps and be back out in the sun.

  A tiny seed of hope took root and began to sprout. She could do this, and the first step was to take Jake up on his offer. To allow him to help her find Desi. Hmm! She liked the name, and surely, it was providence that he had chosen to call her the same name as Charlotte did.

  She didn't know how close she'd dare let Joel, regardless of what Jake had told her. She couldn't imagine what kind of explanation would ever justify his actions…or inactions…and allow her to forgive him. But these first steps? Yes, she would take those.

  Looking up into Jake's handsome face, so uncannily similar to Joel's, with his black hair and striking blue eyes, Desirae nodded her acceptance and a smile spread across her face, showing the dimple that no one in her current life had ever seen. She stood on her tiptoes to kiss Jake on the cheek, but he captured her face in his hands and pressed his lips against hers. Just briefly, platonically, but she accepted the intimacy as one of those first steps, allowing him to draw her close and press her head against his broad chest, and in that moment, she wished it had been this man she had fallen for instead of his cousin.

  Jake put project 'Desi' into full swing with something akin to gusto. He took her out for dinner, insisted that they go dancing, made her wear jeans on the weekends instead of the tailored slacks she had grown used to. He even bought her a colourful peasant skirt, although she hadn't quite had the inclination to wear it yet.

  He showed her an easy affection, and she had surprised herself at how readily she accepted it. So, he held her hand, held her obscenely close when they slow danced, which really wasn't that often, since most of his jaunts were focused on fun and laughter, so the dance tempo was more often upbeat. But he had started to add a light intimacy into the mix, knowing it was something she struggled to accept. There was nothing remotely sexual about their contact, although she was peripherally aware that it probably appeared somewhat different to those around them.

  Three weeks had passed since Jake and Joel had walked back into her life. The full board of directors had met, and despite the compelling notions put forward by the Blackwood Corporation, the vote had been unanimously against the takeover, just as she had expected. Both parties had withdrawn to consider their options. Blackwood, to decide whether they would make a bid for a hostile takeover. Universal, to consider the chances of that being successful and whether or not the board of directors would actually let it go that far before they conceded. Approaching the shareholders wouldn't be clear cut. It would undoubtedly come down to a question of money versus moral values, but many of their shareholders were of a more philanthropic attitude that supported the benevolent manner in which Universal conducted their business, so for them, it wouldn't be about the extra dividends that Blackwo
od could undoubtedly bring them. It was just that unknown percentage of less conscientious shareholders that held things in the balance and Desi had taken to quietly buying as many of the shares that came onto the open market as she could. She had been doing it since before the threat of a takeover had become something tangible, but she had a sinking feeling that Joseph Blackwood was doing the same, and he had significantly more assets than she did.

  Things between Joel and herself remained at an impasse, much like the stalemate between their two companies. Their interactions were still stiff and uncomfortable despite, or maybe because of, the raging desire that seemed to arc between them whenever they were in close proximity. Joel had made no further moves to approach her and, unlike Jake, he had not been present the entire time, making frequent flights back to the Blackwood Corporation's head office, no doubt to confer with his father about the progress of their campaign.

  Desi kept their encounters brief and formal, not trusting her ability to not give herself away if she got too close. Every moment she spent with him ramped up her desire and had her yearning for the intimacies they used to share—every dark, dirty sliver of it. Especially now that Jake had succeeded in bringing her out of herself, somewhat. She longed to feel Joel's hands on her skin, to relearn the contours of his body and discover how he had changed over the years. She wanted to feel his lips caress every single inch of her, relive the way her skin bloomed under his discipline and how her body exploded beneath his passion. She hungered to feel alive in that way that only Joel had ever been able to deliver and to feel that wonderful, languorous tranquillity that she knew his release could bring. It had been so long since she had experienced those things, things she had only ever considered with him.

  But as much as she was tempted, she wasn't convinced that she wouldn't be opening up a fatal amount of herself. Joel was the spark, and sex would be the accelerant that would cause everything to combust into a blazing conflagration, and despite the temptation to experience the hypnotic dance of the flames, to bathe in the glow of the beautiful hues and soak up the melting warmth, Desi was still terrified of getting burned. She suspected she might be reduced to ashes in the incandescent inferno that ensued. After all, everybody knew what happened when you were stupid enough to play with fire.

  "I want you to come to a club with me this evening," Jake said on Friday afternoon.

  "That's a bit short notice, isn't it?" Not that she really minded, but usually, Jake gave her plenty of warning, so she knew what was coming.

  "I didn't want to give you too much time to think about this one," Jake replied with a slightly rueful look about him that was starting to make her suspicious.

  "What's the big deal, Jake?" Desi demanded, narrowing her eyes at the way he shifted from one foot to the other. "It's not like we've never been to a nightclub before."

  "Well, you see, it's not a nightclub," Jake finished in a rush.

  Desi frowned, her eyebrows beetling together, and looked at him sharply. "What do you mean, it's not a night club? Just what sort of club are we talking about, Jake?"

  She straightened from the files she was putting away in the cabinet and gave him her full attention.

  Jake stopped what he was doing and looked her in the eye. "'Perversions' is a kink club."

  "Absolutely not!" Desi didn't even have to think about it. BDSM was just something she'd done with Joel; she'd never had any inclination to pursue the lifestyle for herself, and she didn't plan to start now.

  "Wait! Just hear me out," Jake implored, his hands raised in supplication, when she would have brushed him off without a second thought.

  "There's more to it than just going out to a sex club. Really!"

  Desi pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows, tapping the toe of her high heeled shoes while she waited sceptically for him to elaborate.

  "A few years ago, a few friends and I got together to buy Club Risqué." He rushed on with, "The club I want to take you to is up for sale, and we are considering putting an offer in, but first, I wanted to go in as a patron and get a proper feel for it, not just the sales pitch features—the real McCoy. You know, see how well it's running, what the staff is like, the clientele. Find out how busy it is, if there are any major problems we need to know about. Stuff they're not going to tell you in the brochure." Jake realised he was rambling a bit and stopped abruptly, allowing his spine to ease.

  "Who's we?" Desi asked, and Jake looked a little taken aback. Clearly, that was not the response he expected.

  "There are four of us," he hedged. They had an unspoken agreement not to mention Joel. "You know us all."

  Desi just waited with a raised eyebrow.

  "Well, there's me, Connor Griffin, Joel, and Logan Thornton." Jake skated over Joel's name, hoping she wouldn't dwell on it.

  "I see." Desi wasn't giving anything away. "So you want us to what? Pose as a couple?"

  Jake shoulders relaxed infinitesimally when she didn't continue to reject the idea out of hand, but asked questions instead. Surely, that was a positive sign. "I don't know how much they're into high protocol, but I could find you a collar if it would make you feel more secure."

  Desi was well aware that going to a BDSM club without a collar was tantamount to sticking a sign over your head saying 'I'm free, come and try me'. She was also aware that the sub held all the power, that the agreement to play and how far things went was solely down to the submissive, but if she was going to consider going, then she could still do without the hassle.

  She would have preferred to wear her own collar and provide her own protection rather than allude that she belonged to anyone, even Jake. But the only collar she owned was the one that Joel had given her, and there was no way she was ever going to wear that again. She wasn't sure why she even still had it; she just hadn't been able to bring herself to throw it away all those years ago, so she had packed it up and hauled it around with her, but she'd never even looked at it since.

  Not that she'd actually agreed to go yet, of course. That would take a little more thought.

  The silence stretched between them.

  "I don't know, Jake," she finally told him. "I guess I need to think about it."

  Jake sighed and took her hand, lacing their fingers together. "If you think about it too long, you'll talk yourself out of it," he said earnestly. "That's why I didn't bring it up until now."

  "I'm not into that lifestyle anymore." She tried to make him understand. "I never really was, it was just something I did with Joel, and that part of my life is well and truly over."

  "Seriously?" Jake viewed her with genuine surprise.

  "What?" Desi defended pursing her lips. "It's true! For the last few years, I've considered myself completely asexual. I have no desire to have sex, and I'm not really interested in men."

  Well, if you didn't take into account Joel and the desperate lust she'd felt for him over the past few weeks, but that was just a recent thing. The rest was true enough.

  "Jesus!" Jake exclaimed in shock, tipping her chin up so he could see her face. "When was the last time you had sex?" he blurted.

  "That's not really any of your business." she said primly, pulling uncomfortably from his grasp. "But if you must know, it was over four years ago, and it consisted of one single night that was a complete disaster."

  Desi hunched her shoulders against the discomfort she felt from talking about all this so candidly and continued, trying to get Jake to understand why it really wasn't the best idea for her to visit a sex club.

  "In fact, in the last eleven years, there have been a grand total of two men. And even they only added up to a grand total of two nights and two huge mistakes! They weren't even really about sex, just loneliness and the desperate need to feel…something."

  "You're telling me you've only had sex twice in eleven years?" Jake repeated incredulously, fisting his hands in the hair at his crown. If it hadn't been so damn sad, Desi would have burst out laughing at the look of horror on his face.

  "T
hat's right!" she said belligerently. "Two times that were so awful, they should never have happened. They were awkward and unsatisfying, and I didn't get a single orgasm out of either experience."

  Jake just stood there speechless, his mouth hanging open. Desi pressed a finger to his chin to close it.

  "So you see why I'm not the best person to accompany you on this particular excursion."

  Jake recovered himself and settled his hands lightly on her shoulders. "On the contrary, it's all the more reason for you to come…no pun intended!" Jake sniggered at his own joke, breaking the awkward moment, while Desi just rolled her eyes.

  "Seriously, Desi, have you ever considered that the problem with those encounters was that there wasn't any kink involved?"

  Desi opened her mouth, then closed it again in consternation when no words came out.

  Jake ploughed on, "I'm not kidding, Desi. Forget Joel, you are a classic submissive. I can tell you that without a shadow of a doubt, just from my own experience."

  "I'd love to forget Joel!" she snarked back at him, ignoring the rest of his observation.

  "Then do that!" Jake exclaimed. "You can start by accepting the truth about your own sexuality, and maybe that will allow you to move forward. You don't just pretend to be a submissive, Desi. The things you shared with Joel worked because you are submissive. It's not something you turn on or off, it's just something that is."

  Desi frowned. Jake made a good argument. What if he was right? What if the reason she was so hung up on Joel was just the kink? If that was true, then she might finally be able to set herself free.

  Jake could see Desi was wavering and turned on his full, persuasive charm.

  "No strings, Desi. Just come along and see how you feel about being in the scene again. It won't take long for you to work out whether it turns you on or leaves you cold. You don't have to play…unless you decide you want to, of course." He waggled his eyebrows and Desi shook her head in droll exasperation. "But at least, it will have answered your questions."