Fool's Desire Page 8

  "I wasn't angry with you," he defended. She noticed he didn't deny the rest, and somehow, that knowledge helped strengthen her resolve.

  "No. I guess you were just angry at being caught out."

  Desirae heaved a breath, willing herself to keep it together, to just get this confrontation out of the way with a tiny ounce of decorum. She injected ice into her voice and prayed it didn't quaver.

  "You didn't come after me, you didn't check I was okay, you didn't make sure I got home safely, you didn't call!" she accused. "So just where was all this blessed protection, Joel? Because I sure as hell didn't see any of it!" she stormed.

  "There were reasons…" Joel started.

  "Oh I know there were reasons!" Desirae scoffed, cutting him short. "I heard your friends telling you to leave it until I settled down, that there was no point trying to reason with me until I was calmer!"

  "Please, Daisy. Let me explain!" Joel implored, hands outstretched toward her.

  "I neither want nor need your excuses, Joel," she answered quietly, finally subsiding and shoring her defences. Desirae was just barely holding it together. It had felt good, yelling at him, telling him all the things she had thought and felt but never given an outlet, but now she needed to put an end to this and get him out of here before everything caught up with her and she broke down completely.

  "It's ancient history now. I have no wish to rake it all up and dissect everything." She sighed. "Just talking to you now makes me realise it was probably all for the best, anyway, because, evidently, it was never really going anywhere." Desirae closed her eyes and tipped her head back, inhaling deeply before releasing a calming breath.

  "It's blatantly obvious that neither of us shared even remotely similar perceptions of what our relationship was all those years ago. You've as good as admitted that I was just some submissive sex toy that you got to get your kink on with while you took a more 'suitable woman' out for daddy and dinner. Whereas me? I was dreaming of confetti and babies and picket fences."

  Joel's face softened at her admission, but the look of infinite, heart-wrenching sadness that touched her face ripped into him. He reached out to try to take her hand, but Desirae ducked away from him.

  "Jeez, was I the stupid one! But I came to terms with that a long time ago, and as you can see, I've moved on. I should thank you, really, for making me the person I am today." No way was she ever letting on that beneath the successful business façade, she was emotionally hollow. That she had lost the ability to form meaningful relationships or that her sex life had completely bombed because no man had ever managed to turn her on the way Joel had…still did. And damn, did she resent him for that.

  You need to leave now, Joel." Her tone brokered no argument as a familiar numbness settled over her, shuttering her expression but accompanied by an unexpected melancholy.

  "Daisy..." Joel pleaded, but she was finished now. Desirae shook her head.

  "There is no Daisy. Daisy is long gone; that girl doesn't exist anymore." She pinned him with an icy stare, her face devoid of emotion. Hardening her heart against the entreaty she saw in his eyes, she spoke decisively. "Daisy is dead!"

  Desirae turned her back on him, closed herself off and stood, staring out at the dismal grey twilight that shivered through her darkening office as she willed him to leave and waited stoically to hear his footsteps and the sound of the door clicking closed when he finally took the hint and walked away. The sound of the latch finally catching was magnified in her brain, the noise like a mental switch that finally allowed her to let go.

  Her whole body slumped and she felt as if she barely had the energy to keep herself upright. A tear rolled down her cheek and she swiped at it with trembling hands, then looked at the wetness on her fingers in a kind of detached disbelief. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried…actually, yes, she could.

  It had been that night. The night Joel had forsaken her. The night all of her hopes and dreams had been destroyed, she had emerged vowing to never let anyone have that kind of power over her again. The night that, when she had finally pulled herself together, she had methodically amassed all her childish hopes and dreams, all the love that had been thrown back in her face and had locked it up tight and encased it in a ball of ice deep inside herself where no one could damage it again.

  Damn Joel for stirring up the past, for making her feel things she didn't want to feel, for making her vulnerable again. Her body quaked as she tried to supress a sob, and her heart wrenched at just how alone she felt. There was no Charlotte, this time, to soothe and console her.

  She dragged in a shuddering breath and buried her face in her hands. God damn! She didn't want this, but it seemed the last of her control and detachment had been eroded by the confrontation with Joel and she was left with no barrier against the tattered emotions that were way past ready to implode.

  Desirae stiffened in panic as a pair of masculine arms slipped tenderly around her waist and pulled her back against a warm, hard chest. Her first instinct was to struggle; she couldn't let Joel see her break down, mustn't let him realise how much she still hurt—that really would be the ultimate humiliation. But the body gentled her, a strong jaw nuzzled against her hair, and a soothing voice whispered softly in her ear, "Shhh! I've got you."

  It wasn't Joel.

  Desirae closed her eyes and slumped in relief as she recognised Jake and allowed herself to melt against him and absorb the comfort she so desperately needed.

  Joel cursed as he slammed out of Daisy's office. Desirae…he still couldn't get his head around that. He needed to, though; it was blatantly obvious that Desirae Harper was about as far away from Daisy Kidde as it was possible to be. The very antithesis, in fact. He wondered why he even still wanted her. This cold, detached woman was nothing like the girl he remembered, the Daisy he had searched for and hungered after. His perfect submissive. The one who had kept him going all these years, kept him believing that his ideal woman was out there and not just a myth.

  Desirae Harper didn't appear to have a single submissive bone in her body, nothing soft and pliant about her at all. She was hostile and brazen and appeared as if she would stick a metaphorical middle finger up at anyone who tried to tell her what to do. It was obvious she was more used to giving orders than receiving them.

  Joel stood still and took a deep breath, struggling to find his calm. He could feel his blood thudding through his pulse points and a tell-tale niggle behind his eyes that he knew would morph into a full-blown headache. Closing his eyes, he forced himself to breath slowly and evenly and to think rationally. If he had learned one thing in all his years as a Dominant, it was that the submissive or Dominant nature was innate. It wasn't something that could be learned or assumed, it simply existed at the heart of a person's being. It might be suppressed or unrecognised, but it couldn't be changed. Daisy had been a true submissive. It was in her nature to be compliant and to please others. Just from today's events, he could tell that she still detested confrontation. Oh, she might put on a good front, but he had sensed her discomfort. Both in their conference meeting and during their private exchange. Plus, her whole reputation in the business realm was benevolent. An unusual trait in their world, but it simply boiled down, once again, to her need to please. In this case, she was just pleasing the people involved in the takeovers she handled in what was usually a far more cut throat game. It was the very reason she stood out. It was what made her unique in this ruthless domain they inhabited.

  Still, their encounter hadn't gone at all the way he planned. Not that he'd had a specific plan, but he had wanted to clear the air, explain just what had happened the last time he had seen her. Try to get her to understand that he hadn't meant to hurt her. That not everything was how it had appeared.

  Sure, he knew it had looked bad from her perspective. But he hadn't expected her to run…well, not beyond her desire to get out of the basement, out of his house.

  Sure, he'd imagined that he might have some explaining to do, m
aybe a little cajoling, but never in his wildest dreams had he thought she'd disappear. Away from him, away from her studies, away from the university, away from her friends. Just up and gone without a trace.

  And he knew that for a fact, because he'd looked for her. Not just at her dorm or with her friends, but further afield. He checked out other universities, other art courses, and when that drew a blank, he'd tried to trace her family and then her tax records. But Daisy Kidde had vanished from the face of the earth. Literally. And now he knew that was because Daisy Kidde had ceased to exist; she had been reborn as Desirae Harper.

  Joel paced her outer office and dragged his hands down his face, rasping over his evening stubble. He had surreptitiously engaged a background search on Desirae Harper, cross referenced with Daisy Kidde, during their meeting this morning. With that one key connection, the rest of the dots had been surprisingly easy to join. He'd spent the hour after their conference ended reading through it.

  He hadn't known that Daisy's given name was Desirae. Hadn't known that the man she called 'Dad' wasn't her father and consequently had a different surname, hadn't known her home address outside term time or even where to begin looking for her.

  Eighteen months, they'd been together, and he hadn't even known the basics. Maybe she had been right in her accusation that they both had completely different perceptions of their relationship. In the face of her words and his new knowledge, even he thought he sucked.

  It brought a real, physical pain to his chest to know that she'd been so hurt by events that she had turned her back on her entire life and so many things that she'd loved.

  Joel paced back and forth across the outer office. Her PA had already left for the day after blatantly giving Connor a come on that his friend hadn't been at all averse to, so everything was quiet. He couldn't believe that she had shut him down, refused to even hear him out. Didn't he merit that much, if nothing else? He just wanted her to listen to what he had to say.

  Joel stopped and straightened his back, arching against the tension there. He planted his hands on his lean hips, pushing back his jacket. What was he supposed to do now? In all honesty, he wasn't used to being side-lined like this. He resumed his pacing. Whether in business or in his personal life, people usually stood to attention and listened when he had something to say. In fact, he was more used to women chasing and fawning over him. He always found that rather irritating, but right now, he was somewhat bemused by Desirae's response. Huh, he guessed he wasn't as self-effacing as he thought himself to be. But damn it all, he just wanted to talk to her. Was that really too much to ask?

  Joel gritted his teeth at the wave of anger that ripped through him, slapping the wall in front of him with the palm of his hand. The sound of the snarl emanating from his own lips brought him up short in shock.

  Joel pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath to calm himself. Flying off the handle wasn't going to help. It was eleven years since the last time he had felt so volatile, and that really hadn't ended so well. Since that night, he had vowed to never let his rage loose ever again, and now his restraint was legendary. It was the foundation of his character. He'd always been even tempered anyway, never been given over to excessive shows of pleasure or regret or anger, no matter how much elation or despair or fury he might feel, so this sudden sense of being out of control was majorly disconcerting.

  Right now, he just wanted to march right back into Desirae's office, pitch her over his shoulder and carry her off somewhere private. Then he could tie her up, gag her and get everything he needed to say off his chest without any interruptions. And after that, he could turn her over his knee, spank her bare backside long and hard for running out on him until she sobbed and repented and begged and then, finally, he could plunge his hard, aching cock deep inside her tight, wet heat and pound away his frustrations. Maybe he'd fuck her face, first, just to remind her that her mouth was not for backchat…and what the fucking hell was he thinking!

  Jesus, this excessive preoccupation had to stop. What on God's green earth had come over him?

  He never let women get this far under his skin. He was the one in command; he could take them or leave them and their time together was always on his terms. If he said jump, they asked how high, and they felt the sting of his lash if it wasn't enough to satisfy him.

  And they never followed him into the boardroom, not physically and sure as hell not mentally. When it came down to business, nothing interfered with his train of thought, the areas of his life were strictly compartmentalised and there was absolutely no overlap.

  Joel dragged his hands through his hair, tugging on the ends to try and relieve the strain that was building in his head.

  It was her! She was doing this to him. His memory of their flawless scenes together and of her being his perfect submissive was battling with this new image of her as a successful and competent business woman, muddying the waters and blurring the edges between his business and his personal life. Sure, he had wondered earlier if he couldn't have it all with the woman Daisy Kidde had become, but that had been a clinical thing. He always imagined that if he ever took a wife, it would probably be more out of duty once he really couldn't put it off any longer, and his wife would occupy just another segment that would be completely separate from all the other sections of his life. He realised now that that couldn't happen with Desirae Harper; those blurred edges meant that his nicely ordered compartments merged into one another and that actually scared the shit out of him.

  Joel rubbed at his chest and realised that his breathing had become rapid and shallow. He forced a couple of deep breaths, shocked at the sharp feeling of panic. It was all right. He was getting ahead of himself. All of this was just thoughts bouncing around in his head. None of it was real. All he needed to do was persuade her to scene with him one more time. It could be cathartic for both of them, and he would see that his memories had idealised her and that she wasn't really as perfect as he believed. And then he would be able to get her out of his system once and for all, put his ghosts to rest and walk away—finally move forward with his life. Maybe find that wife and start on those children his father was so desperate to see.

  Yes! That was a plan. Joel's breathing slowed and he sighed in relief as he finally started to feel more in control again. It would all be fine. He just needed to steer this situation the way he wanted it to go, and he'd start right now, by making it clear to Desirae Harper that while she might not appreciate being his unfinished business, it was in the best interests of both of them to just deal with it and get it put aside so they could move forward. She needed to understand that he wasn't going to be taking 'no' for an answer. Once she accepted that, she would capitulate, and he could get his equilibrium back.

  Joel strode back to her office determined that, unlike the last time, this skirmish was going to go his way.

  He pushed the door open and took a breath, ready to tell her how it was, then stopped dead as he was confronted with Desirae, standing right where he'd left her, but wrapped securely in the arms of his cousin. Jake's big frame surrounded her, his arms wrapped tight about her waist, his head ducked low so his cheek nuzzled hers as he rocked her gently and murmured intimately in her ear.

  Joel felt the breath leave his body as if he'd been sucker punched for a second time that day and a pain so visceral it felt like someone had taken his heart and squeezed it in a vice. His shock was doubled, when Jake suddenly looked around and pierced him with a warning look. Joel took a step back at the fierce protection in Jake's gaze and felt as if he'd been doubly betrayed. Jake was like a brother to him. There was less than a year between them, and they had grown up together without siblings. The two sons of two brothers, both involved in the family business. It had always been him and Jake against the world, and whenever a woman had strayed into both of their orbits, they had simply shared her.

  Joel backed out of the room, denying to himself that there had been even the slightest stumble. Denying himself the urge to run and
trying to deny that the intimacy he had witnessed between Desirae and Jake had damn near ripped his heart out.

  This was a good thing, he tried fiercely to persuade himself. Jake would ease the way for him; Jake would agree to setting up a scene for the two of them with Daisy…Desirae. Jake would be able to talk her into it. There was no gaping hole where his heart used to be, and if he was feeling momentarily betrayed, then it was just the shock of the moment and he would damn well get over it.

  Chapter 5

  Desirae basked in the comfort of Jake's embrace. It had been so long since she had been able to lean on someone else, even if it was just fleetingly. She closed her eyes and tried to physically absorb the sensations of warmth and tenderness and refuge that she felt in his arms, so that she could take them out and remember them during those times when her loneliness finally caught up with her. The only thing that could improve on how she felt now was if it was Joel holding her tightly and keeping her demons at bay, instead of his cousin.

  Desirae squeezed her eyes tightly closed. She didn't want to think about Joel. Didn't want to think about her reaction to him or accept the truth that she was probably still in love with the man. He was bad for her. So very bad for her, and as she stood in the shelter of Jake's arms, she began to feel defeated all over again. She had tried so hard to rebuild her 'life after Joel'.

  It had taken every tiny iota she had left inside her to pick herself up, to glue back together all the broken fragments of herself and finally move on. She'd had to alter her entire persona just to be able to do it. She'd changed every single aspect of her life just to give herself the strength to sweep away the past and find a different future, but in the space of just a few short hours, seeing Joel again had undermined her very foundation. She could feel the cracks veining the façade she had built around herself and was scared that she was ready to crumble into pieces.